Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Directed by J. A. Bayona

Starring

Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire Dearing

Chris Pratt as Owen Grady

Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm

The plot of 1993’s Jurassic Park never made much sense to me. A dinosaur theme park populated with dinosaurs seemed logistically impossible. But then again, how could the words “dinosaur theme park” not sweep you off your feet with excitement? Jurassic Park wasn’t dumb; it was fun, groundbreaking and one of the best movies ever.

Jurassic World, on the other hand, was dumb. And Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom looks dumber. Yes, it fulfills that most basic priority of having dinosaurs in it. No, that does not make for an exciting movie. Jurassic World featured Bryce Dallas Howard running around in heels and Chris Pratt leading a raptor army; we now await the idiocy which Fallen Kingdom will no doubt bombard us with.

We’re treated to more run-of-the-mill chemistry-less banter between Howard and Pratt. Will they, won’t they? Nobody really cares. Apparently, the love formed over the terrors of a dinosaur apocalypse has died. I wonder why.

Anyway, Howard explains the justification for why this sequel that nobody asked for exists. Instead of saying “people will pay to see dinosaurs if it invokes nostalgia,” she just says that they need to go back to save the dinosaurs from an erupting volcano. Great, just don’t forget your Louboutin heels, they’re ideal footwear if you want to ride a pterodactyl. “What could go wrong?" asks Pratt, as if canned laughter from a sitcom would follow, even though the proposition would make Seinfeld himself seek therapy.

And so we return to Dino Apocalypse Island, complete with volcanoes that go boom and dinosaurs that eat people. Pratt meets his old raptor friend, Blue, who tries to bite his hand off. A dinosaur trying to eat a human? Unheard of.

“Do these animals deserve the same protection as other species, or should they just be left to die?” asks some man in the trailer. Well, I don’t know but I think people deserve some protection and letting them enter some God forsaken Dino Monstrosity Island is not the best prerogative. There’s just no good plan which is why I’m sure we’ll be treated to some inane solution to the problem. Unless you plan to somehow transport the T-rexes from their viable eco-system to a retirement home up South with pink lemonades and plenty of delicious people to devour.

Goldblum is brought back because honestly, who even remembers Jurassic World? There’s little to nothing to reincorporate in the sequel (except Howard and Pratt’s excellent chemistry which we’re all so excited to see, of course). He mostly just sits there and gives some ominous speech about how scary and cool dinosaurs are. Even though what he should be doing is telling everyone to just stop interfering with the giant carnivorous abominations, especially on an island populated by them.

This movie looks ridiculous. The plot is paper-thin and I don’t want to see these characters again. I fully expect to see a chiseled shirtless Chris Pratt lead a legion of T-rexes against Godzilla while Bryce Dallas Howard adds fishnet stockings to her most practical attire. The epic soundtrack from the original Jurassic Park shamelessly swells as Pratt’s beloved raptor acts as the ring bearer at their wedding. It’s ludicrous but apparently, it sells. Hooray!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is set to release on 22nd June, 2018.

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